Knee(d) for More

Today is Tuesday and as with every other Tuesday it was a day Beth & I lead the run hills workout. Funny thing about this workout though... I haven't participated since November. Granted I have tried a couple of times to muscle thru it, and at other times I have succumbed to my left knee and simply followed behind them in my CRV as their protector from early morning drivers.

I have not attempted to run for over a month, as my waist line continues to change and my body composition is close to that of a sedative person at this point, today I found it a struggle to keep the tears back. I was able to, mainly b/c I was with teammates, and seeing how hard they are pushing themselves at 6am in the morning is a great reward as a coach.

I would walk up the hill and meet them on their recovery coming down. These women are all amazing, even new comer Krista asked how I was doing, apparently just b/c I was holding back the tears didn't mask that I was frustrated. My reply continued to be "just need to push the bad energy out of my mind and let the good energy in"

The question is, how much longer will I have to keep this front? How much longer am I suppose to be ok with the fact that I miss my long runs, track workouts, time spent in the open air with my thoughts! I miss that rush of finishing a run.

I had my MRI on Sunday so on the 28th we will get the results. I think my biggest fear at this point is getting the response "we still don't know what is wrong" It is hard to focus your energy on the unknown, but I will dig deep and muster thru. #1 B/c I want to and #2 B/c I need to

I am calling on my faith right now and each day I try to read this line:
"Do not be afraid, Stand firm, and see the deliverance that the Lord will accomplish for you today" (Exodus 14:13)

So now that I am being honest, I am frustrated, angry and sad that it has been nearly 3.5 months since I could just run when I want to. But I was reminded today that it is ok that I feel those things, just as long as my determination, strength, committment and my ability to feel very proud of my teammates outweigh the icky stuff!!